Story Semoore and the Mountains Mouth

[Aon Reo]

Little bit different form of development than I see being posted but I wanted to get some feedback on my work. Right now I'm building the world through story and these texts will spark the development of NPCs, quests, landscapes, and many aspects of the world. They may make it into the game through short books divided in volumes. There's many game-play changes I intend to make once Intersect source code is publicly available and until then work will continue in this format and graphics! Give me the feedback and be easy on my feels!

 

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The Mountains Mouth is quite the common spot in Dash sitting right off the northern city gates. An infamous inn for locals and travelers alike. While the beds are comfy and cozy the wine served at the Mountains Mouth is absolutely delicious. Even Hokotorians travel to Dash just to have a cup from the inn, and quite a few sneaky hobbits have attempted to procure the recipe – all attempts ending in failure of course. But for a hobbit to travel all the way to Dash just for a cup of wine, that says a lot, Hokotor does produce – and prides itself – on some amazingly fine tasting grapes. The wine served at the Mountains Mouth has been described as crisp and sweet with a tart snap like that of an early spring morning where the air has chill but fills your lungs with life. Quite delicious, really, and I will divulge where the hobbits have failed.

 

The Inn isn’t called the Mountains Mouth for nothing, well nothing is called something for nothing but that’s beside the point. To the north-west of Dash lies the Sunset Peaks and there is a spot on those mountains where in the early spring bright red and deep lavender berries grow in troves. And from these berries comes the famous wine. The land dubbed Sweet Peaks Foot in the family records was discovered and owned by the founder of the Mountains Mouth and has been passed down from generation to generation. Very few know of the spot which is quite peculiar because exploration of the Sunset Mountains is quite common, which says something about spot and production of the wine. The proprietor of Mountains Mouth obviously takes the berries from the spot to make the wine but how is quite the mystery. That which can be saved for another time. For the point which I was trying to make was about a particular patron of the inn, Semoore who often sees quite less due to his inebriation.

 

 

The story of Semoore known around Dash as Semoore the Drunk is actually that of an adventurer. Not all perils of adventuring are at the wrong end of a blade or spell. It all started with the vanquishing of a witches den. Semoore was a famous witch-hunter vanquishing the practitioners of the Seventh Sign. He had made his way to the Great Desert which is so vast, void, and perilous it makes the perfect place to hide a den of evil. The native Cheetans would brutally massacre such a place if they stumbled upon it but even they avoided Dead Mans Sands, trials excluded of course.

 

Eight days and eight nights Semoore wandered the Great Desert following the directions of his informant. Starved and dehydrated he finally arrived at the sandstone stairs. Cryptic runes of the Seventh Sign etched into stone steps caught the moonlight. Even cacti, of which he had found none for days, dotted the landscape forming the seventh rune. He desperately wanted to pierce one and fill his water skin but he knew the dangers of disrupting a rune.

 

Three days with no water and two with no food does not favor a battle or ones wits, The brutal heat during the day and frigid temperatures at night nearly added another victim to the sands. Semoore should never have entered the den that day, blistering heat fueled fiery resolve vastly overwhelming his cautious nature. A rune so large as that of a landscape formation would undoubtedly alert its creator to an invaders presence. Of course Semoore knew this, information pulsed and bubbled at the surface of his fatigued mind, but his knowledge could not escape the deserts grasp. He trekked through unaware of his mistake.

 

 

[Giligis]

I like it, overall I didn't really know where you were going with it, but the end result wasn't too bad at all. Writing and lore is a very important piece to gameplay, I love writing. Some pointers I'd give are:

1. You talk about grapes a lot, and seems like just a filler to me. The grapes really don't seem to play a huge part into your storyline, however I could be wrong. Unless these grapes play a crucial role in your story I would go ahead and take out some of the vivid descriptions of the grapes. Also, the beginning of the second paragraph, need work. Bad lol. "The mountains mouth wasn't called that for nothing, well nothing is called something for nothing" should be just removed or re-edited. Sounds way too much like I'm having a conversation, not listening to a story.

 

Other than that, it caught my attention as I was interested to see where you would go with it, it's pretty good! Best of luck in the future Id like to see more. 

[Aon Reo]

Thanks! It is for sure a ramble, I'm new to writing and just ran with it. The berries do play a big part in a quest line I have planned. I was totally wondering about the line of the second paragraph so I'm glad you confirmed some of my reserves about it. I've done some work on the backstory of the entire world that I may post in the near future though it needs some editing before that. Overall I'm glad to hear it caught your attention.